In the WooWoo Wonderland™

Hello friend! Feeling glum? Allow me to cheer you up with a visit to Amazon.com. We're not going to buy anything, just enjoy some reviews.

Yeah, yeah, I'm aware that most people discovered funny Amazon reviews years ago, but for me it was only TWO years ago and there have been some particularly good ones I've discovered recently. This is an art, you know. I tried to stay away from the most well-known ones (Tuscan Whole Milk, horse head mask, Three Wolf Moon t-shirt).

PRODUCT: Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

CHOICE REVIEW: "If God does not exist, then how is it that a banana fits so perfectly in this banana slicer? CHECKMATE, ATHEISTS!"


PRODUCT: Bic Cristal "For Her" Ball Pen

CHOICE REVIEW: "I'd really like to buy a pack of these pens; but I probably need my father's or husband's permission first. Like I do with all my financial decisions."


PRODUCT: Fresh Whole Rabbit

CHOICE REVIEW: "Like many suburban homeowners, I like to kill and eat the wild animals that populate my backyard. To keep it sporting, I hunt naked, with my teeth and long sharpened fingernails as my only weapons. I've feasted on squirrel, raccoon, vole and numerous songbirds. But no matter how long I lay spread eagle and motionless in the hot noonday sun, I have never been able to outwit and catch any of the plump and juicy rabbits that hop just outside my reach and then bolt for the woods when I leap forward with a blood-curdling shriek. I have chased them at a dead run through the yards of the many unoccupied homes that surround mine but the pursuit always ends in frustration. But no more, thanks to Amazon. Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I get the thrill of the hunt, and when the car's batteries are exhausted, I can leap upon it, bury my teeth into the rabbit's soft flesh and perform my ritual victory dance right there in the Walgreen's parking lot."


PRODUCT: 8 & 10-Row Aluminum Bleachers w Central Aisle & Railing

CHOICE REVIEW: "So I bought these bleachers last night. They have arrived today already after I paid 1K for shipping, which is pretty decent when you think about the size. I'm very happy with my purchase. I put it right in front of my TV and it's the perfect piece of furniture to watch sports and sitcoms on. It gets a little uncomfortable at the top row as my head hits the ceiling all the time, but I'd trade this for a good view of my living room!"


PRODUCT: BIC Cristal Stic Ball Pen

CHOICE REVIEW: "As a discriminating Meth user, I'm always disappointed with the colored pens
I steal occasionally. After serious thought to quitting my habit, imagine my delight at finding this product! The easy twist removal of the pen itself from the tube got my interest but the clear tube, that was the clincher! Now I can see exactly how much residue I have left to scrape when my funds are low, and the plastic is very resistant to heat, whether using foil, or a torch lighter! Kudos to a handy product!"

The Fifty Books Challenge, year four! (Years one, two, three, and four just in case you're curious.) This was a library request.



( Sedaris remembers his father's dinnertime attire (shirtsleeves and underpants) among other stories... )

The Fifty Books Challenge, year three! (Years one, two, and three just in case you're curious.) This was a library request.




( Yeah! I haven't seen her on TV in a while. So...what happened to her? )

The Fifty Books Challenge, year three! (Years one, two, and three just in case you're curious.) This was a secondhand find.




( Read More... )

I'm bummed this isn't going as quickly as other years, but I keep getting distracted by books I've already read (and adored) but have only recently been gifted. DAMN YOU, GIFTERS. ONWARD!

The Fifty Books Challenge, year three! (Years one, two, and three just in case you're curious.) This was a secondhand find.




( Tina Fey Reveals All, and Proves What We've All Suspected: You're No One Until Someone Calls You Bossy.... )

Goddammit, George. We still need you. RIP.

From here:

We've tried debating her, arguing with her, boycotting her, voting against her, and yet... she keeps coming back. Much like a vampire or a nasty fungus.

So for just one week, we're going to try something new: Ignoring her.

...That's right -- February 28-March 4 is officially, "Ignore Sarah Palin Week." For just one week, signers of this petition pledge to do the following:

* Change the channel if she comes on TV
* Surf to another page if she pops up on the web
* Turn to another article if she appears in a newspaper, magazine, comic book, etc.

Will you join us? Will you take the pledge? If so, sign the pledge here, add your thoughts if you want, and help spread the word. Can we ignore her for a week? Can we get our friends, neighbors and co-workers to do the same? You betcha!

Now, we understand that it might be tough to go cold turkey, and completely stop paying attention to Palin. Thus, we offer these helpful tip:

* If a friend mentions "Sarah Palin," reply as if he or she said, "Para Sailing." And keep doing it. Para sailing is way cooler.
* For your dose of gossip, consider switching to someone far less annoying. Like Snooki.
* Visit Telling Sarah Palin She's Full of Crap on Facebook, and join 100,000 other people who will be talking about everything else BUT Palin.
* Refer to her as "she who shall remain nameless" for the duration of the week
* Have other conversation topics ready to go

It's that simple. We really can ignore her for a week. We really can help pop any trial balloons being floated for 2012.

We really can enjoy a glorious week, free of Sarah! You betcha!

The Fifty Books Challenge, year two! This was a library request.




( I am Often Asked Why I Never Run Out of Ideas and I Always Reply, Do You Think I'm Pretty? )